I've been wanting to write this post for a couple of weeks but didn't feel like I could put my miscarriage experience into words, until now. I had to heal a little and really think about why I would want to share this with anybody. My prayer is that by putting my story "out there" someone will realize that they are not alone in their loss and that someone else might acknowledge that life begins at conception.
I found out I was pregnant on Sunday, April 26th when I took a home pregnancy test. I began to be suspiscious when I felt nauseated on Thursday and then again on Saturday night. So Sunday I made Troy run to CVS and get me a pregnancy test before he took the boys to church...I wasn't going because I was "sick". Anyway, the result was positive! I was excited and happy...maybe a tad bit surprised! So we waited for a while to tell our news but we did end up sharing it with quite a few people. We had Simon dedicated on Mother's Day and our friends Ray and Janell dedicated their baby girl Olivia at the same time. It was a great day and I was excited and happy to be a Mom and so excited and happy about having another child!
I continued to feel bloated, nauseated and all the other fun hormonal changes that pregnancy brings. My fist doctor's appointment was on the 22nd of May and I saw the Midwife at S&W. She had me undress from the waist down and then examined me. She said everything felt like it should. Then we did an ultrasound and that is when it all turned sour. She kept looking at the gestational sac and even I could see that it didn't look right. There was no embryo inside, that we could see. She asked if I could be off in counting the days of my cycle and I told her I didn't think so. Then she measured the sac and it showed to be a little under 8 weeks which was about right. She explained to me that sometimes they just can't see them on the ultrasound because they are not big enough for the machine to pick up yet. I didn't really understand though because with Caleb we had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and we could definitely see him! She then said that she thought that maybe I had what is called a blighted ovum. Apparantly the embryo can stop thriving very early on but the gestational sac can keep growing, which can make you continue to feel pregnant. She thought that I should wait a week and see my Doctor who would do another ultrasound and then if there was still no growth a D&C would be done.
Troy and I were very sad and very confused. I didn't understand how if there was nothing there, how could there be something there later. I mean either it's there are it's not, right?! I went home and really struggled but felt like I had to hope that everything would be alright the next week...that for whatever reason this little baby was just small and behind in it's growth. I looked up everything I could about blighted ovums. This was a website that really helped me out.
So on the 28th of May, Troy and I went to see the Doctor where she did the 2nd ultrasound. Again the sac was empty. I was heartbroken. The Doctor explained that the sac had grown more and that she thought it looked healthy. She said she did not recommend doing a D&C because they had been surprised before by other babies who had not appeared to be there but then later were picked up by the ultrasound. This was really upsetting to hear because it was just like being in limbo. I didn't know if I was pregnant or not and I just wanted an outcome. I told her, "Well, I don't want to have an abortion." So she said we need to wait. She wanted to see us in another week and that if something happened before than and I bled too much to go to the hospital. If I had any questions then to call the 800 number to talk to a nurse.
Well, I went home and I prayed. I just wanted to go ahead and miscarry if there wasn't a live baby in my womb. I knew prolonging it for the week would be agonizing. So he answered my prayer and on Friday afternoon I started spotting and by Saturday evening it was finished. My body had successfully done what a body should do in that situation. It was not enjoyable, I was very sad, and I am a little bit traumatized by it. Part of me wishes that I had been able to have the D&C so that I could have avoided the honesty of it all. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful husband who was there to comfort me and pray for me, for us. I rested for the next several days but then things returned to normal, for the most part. I still wish I were pregnant...I'd have been 17 weeks this Friday.
I still get sad about it from time to time but I think that is okay. I have 3 wonderful boys who keep me busy and I am so thankful for each one of them. I don't know why I miscarred. I do know that God loves me and that he has a plan for my life and I believe for the life that was there. It frustrates me when someone would say..."So you weren't really pregnant?" or "So there wasn't a baby there?". There was a baby there....it just died when it was really small....too small for the ultrasound to see. Life starts at conception!
I was pregnant and I am grieving over the loss of my child. A child that I started loving and praying for as soon as I found out I was pregnant.